A VERY LONG LEAD-IN TO A NEW SIT-COM ABOUT A MAN WORKING IN A COMPLAINTS DEPARTMENT
(The following monologue and narrative play over one continuous close up shot of a six year old chewing gum and staring up.)
"If I give you change how am I to be certain that you're going to remember this act of charity ? I'm sorry to say this but your father and mother have not educated you in the basics of human decency so how am I guaranteed any kind of genuine gratitude ? And how do I know you're going to remember this down the road after you're all grown up ? On top of all this even if you had a shred of civility in you there are still the essential failings of memory that we must consider." At this point he usually pushed his false teeth out of his mouth in a habit that demonstrated he was deep in thought.
"My memory remembers forgetting so many things, so many times and on so many occasions... Oh Christ if I had a dime for everytime I've forgotten something major I would... actually I would be very cheesed off because I'd be in a room full of dimes that would have to be put in those little dime holders to be taken into the bank and exchanged for something useful. Oh I hate dimes anyway. They are deceptive. They are the tiniest form of change and yet they are ten times more valuable than pennies which are their betters in terms of size !! The universe presents us with enough mysteries and uncertainties as it is, do we really need to add to the troubles ? But don't get any notion in your head that because I hate dimes I'm just going to toss them aside in your direction. They go in my wallet along with the full arsenal of other forms of currency. You must have a well rounded mind and a full compliment of money in your pocket if you're going to step out into that world. Unless you're some kind of fool." Around this time he usually exhaled with puffed out cheeks.
"So the short of it is that I'm not going to give you any change. Go hit up your grandmother. See if you can extort some hard currency out of her by flashing those big blue eyes of yours. Oh you're cute alright but that in no way entitles you to money. You must learn right here and right now that cute is not something that can be bartered for filthy lucre. Cute only goes so far. Industry is what you want !! Go work for some money instead of waylaying me like a bandit. Get a stinking job."
My grandmother always gave me a sizable chunk of money for listening to my grandfather's rants about not living life on a free ride. I understood this to be one of my weekly chores. Now I work in a complaints department which I find quite satisfying. My name is Marcus Dowlings and this is my life.
THEME MUSIC FOR SIT-COM