A MOUTHFUL OF DENTIST FINGERS

(“A mouthful of dentist fingers” is a piece of writing based on the gag of a talkative patient half-gagged with dental instruments and fingers.

At the dentist the other day I tried to hold back spring fever sneezes as Dr C was digging away deep inside my mouth. While it was far from easy we shouldn’t forget the plight of dangerously outgoing actors on cocaine who need to constantly make running commentaries on everything that’s going on around them. How much do they suffer from half an hour of not emoting at the dentists ?

This piece is meant to be read aloud with ten sweet grapes in your mouth. Bon appetite…)

A MOUTHFUL OF DENTIST FINGERS

Well the death of my parents really shook me up and the hardest thing afterwards was that I didn’t have any time to be self-absorbed, you know to figure out where I was going after that. I had to deal with the legal side of things, you know the will and whatnot and then there was a constant stream of people to deal with. Aunts and Uncles and cousins crawling out of the woodwork. I was suddenly a - pardon my French - fucking socialite. I just needed some time to myself but I was never given a moments peace.
So I enrolled in acting school. That’s how it all started. You know everyone was like oh you can’t be on your own but I just wanted them out of my hair. Ha ha ha. Get it I’m bald. I think my sense of humor is what saved me. It’s how I got along with everybody at the acting school, you know. You throw out a joke and you get back a friend.

Ouch. Oh you’re onto something there, Doc. I think you’ve found our culprit.

So I found that I was a natural on stage or in front of the camera. I could become anybody, as long as they were a handsome, popular and intelligent character. Ha ha ha. A character, that’s me 24/7. Ha ha ha. I really loved the time I could spend memorizing lines. You go for a jog and you have some time to yourself. Uncle Ferdy calls up wanting to touch base and I can legitimately say, “Sorry man but I’ve got to work on some lines. This is my job. I’m an actor.”

Ouch. Oh that little guy isn’t gonna give up without a fight. You sock it to him doc.

Yeah and there’s been no looking back. I’m one of the busiest actors in town. Last week I was in an American national. Those pay the biggest bucks. You get paid every time it’s broadcast anywhere in America. Believe you me it can really add up. Ka-tching !!

Ouch !! You want me to clam up a bit ? Sure no problemo. I can see you’re not into chatting. But sometimes it’s hard not to talk when I get started about my parents. You know.

….(sob)

They say the hardest part about acting is getting those tears welling up but I just did a little performance there for you completely improvised and free. That’s why I book all the parts I audition for.

I’m an actor.