A MESSAGE ON AN ANSWERING MACHINE FIVE YEARS FROM NOW

Hey how's it going ? It's Paul. I was hoping you were home so I could talk about something. It's just so weird. I bought this pet robot last week that eats all of my garbage. He is really starting to creep me out.

I spent most of today unpacking all of my stuff from the move. I put the crumpled up balls of newspaper in The Petbot 3000's corner. You know that's how it works. "Are you sure you want me to consume all this up ?" he asks in his fake friendly tone of voice.

"Yes eat up all the paper," I told him. He's programmed to double check everything because otherwise he might accidently wolf down a CD simply because you called it "garbage". Or you know that band from way back.. Right ?

You know his face is so... Well it's coated in sensors that detect information about any item placed in front of him. Once he's identified what it is he has to eat, he goes at it like nobody's business. Nothing is too big or heavy or hard for this little fucker. He's got Ginsu knives or something for teeth and then there are all these other instruments in his mouth that break things apart. I think he's got ten top of the line Swiss army knives in his mouth or something. Ah Christ it freaks me out when I think of all the shit he's got going on in his mouth

I feel like I'm in a horror movie just waiting for the technology to malfunction and chew me to shreds.

Okay well I gotta run. Call me if you get a chance. Take care. Bye.

* (Paragraph breaks represent deep breathes of great emotional release.)