So take a break from that portrait you're making of George W. Bush on the inside of your toilet bowl and enjoy...
GOD VERSUS THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS
"So who can tell me what book has the most mosts in the world ?" Mr Wallington asked his class of fifth graders and an army of arms shot up, reaching for the privilege to display their book smarts. Whenever Mr Wallington was hurting from a hangover - which was usually once a week - he imaged taking a chain saw and pruning the tiny hands off of all those upraised arms. In their little school uniforms he saw something fascist in their enthusiasm. Apart from these dark moments, Mr Wallington was a very gentle and kind educator.
On this particular morning, however, there was still booze on his breathe which went unrecognized by a class full of innocence.
"Yes, Martin," he said, suppressing a Budweiser burb.
"The Bible. Not only is it the most translated book in the world but it also contains the most amazing stories and miracles and love in the world." Martin stood by the side of his desk, firing this information off in the direction of the front of the class.
Mr Wallington mustered an apologetic smile and corrected the boy: "No Martin that's a very articulate answer but what I'm talking about is the Guinness Book of Records which is over a hundred pages of information about many different kinds of mosts."
"I think you're incorrect sir." Martin continued to stand at attention by the side of his desk.
"Well I think that you have an interesting answer but really the Guinness Book is full of verified truths that people don't fight about. Nobody would fight over the fact that the fattest man in the world is -" he opened his silvery Guinness book to a full page spread of the fattest man in America sprawled out on a crushed couch. He hoped this would amaze the class over to his way of thinking.
Martin's entire body started to shake and a chill filled the room. Possessed by God, his face morphed into terror with tentacles sprouting out from beneath his white collar. The flesh around his eyes blossomed tiny layers of angel wings while his hair fell out, becoming another site for a fresh growth of angel wings.
"The correct answer is the Bible" Martin said in a deep, booming voice.
"Well you can see for yourself." Their once slightly powerful teacher now stood at the front of the class holding the book out while shaking in his socks and shoes.
And that's when God set out to break every record in the Guinness Book. Pie-eating, words typed, weight gained, marathons run and even time spent in a rocking chair. Nothing was beneath the King of Kings.
Years later, Mr Wallington's mysterious death was attributed by some to a group of previous Guinness Record holders but nobody was convicted.
Martin is still in therapy.