Tuesday, April 26, 2005


As Phillip was four times larger than most with a head that resembled a bar fridge, it came as no surprise that he stored his valuables in his mouth.

“Okay but what about this, you go to the car dealership to make your big purchase but when you open your mouth and take out all that cash, they suddenly lose interest in doing business with you. Think about it man. It’s gross.” Phillip’s friend, a man of slightly less than average height, explained all of this in a ridiculously high-pitched, whiny voice. (His nickname was Goh which came from G.G.O.H. which stood for Gilbert Gottfried on helium.)

“But I don’t want a car, Goh,” Phillip said through a marble-mouthed mumble. And it was true he didn’t want luxury vehicles or any other trappings of material wealth. The bag full of marbles between his cheek and his lower left molars were evidence enough of this. They were of incredible value for sentimental reasons. As a young giant, he had killed his first bird with one of them but as he couldn’t remember which one, he decided to play it safe and keep them all in a secure place. Phillip was a fan of simple, deadly things.

“Well it doesn’t matter what you want. My point is that nobody will want to do business with money drenched in saliva. Christ your money’s been in there so long, it’s probably got cavities. Who wants money with cavities ?” he shouted this out in such a screech that a pair of dagger-like crystals beneath Phillip’s tongue shattered.

The giant swallowed with a pained expression and took a sip from the pitcher of beer in front of him. Most of the people on the bar’s patio looked over at the pair in annoyance.

“I don’t know why you’re so concerned about my things all the time. If I were you I’d think about your stuff. That collection of antique guns is quite valuable. Are you sure it’s safe behind a locked door ?” Phillip said, mustering up all the intelligence he could.

“What do you mean ?” Goh whined.

“I think if you want something to worry about, I’d be thinking about those guns. If you want a safe place to store them I’ll keep them in my mouth. We’ll wrap them in some plastic bags so they don’t get rusty. No problem.” Phillip was hoping to capitalize on the rash of thievery in the neighborhood. After the guns were securely behind his lower lip, he’d threaten to swallow them unless Goh did his bidding. It was a perfect plan that his tiny giant brain had spent months concocting.

“Yuck !! That’s the most disgusting think I’ve ever heard !! Are you getting the next round ?”

Now all Phillip needed was to get those guns in his mouth and he’d never have to pay for beer again.


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