Sunday, July 10, 2005

"WE HATE FLIES BECAUSE" is a tiny tale based on an image sent to me by Tony Millionaire, the father of Maakies, Drinky Crow and Uncle Gabby.

Any asshole can be talented. Any bastard can be talented and famous. But to be talented, famous and a good hearted person is next to godliness. Tonight, I'd like you all to redirect your prayers to Tony Millionaire.

Not only has he sent little ol' me an image that he says I can use for my book Fast Fictions for the City, but he also threw in his support with the Only Magazine staff after their previous publication Terminal City had been overthrown by a Vancouverite with a lot of money up his ass.



He adjusts his bow tie with two hands and a lot of pride. He is progress, he tells himself every morning when he wakes up to the certainty of the sunrise. He reminds himself throughout the day of this unique habit of mind which sets him apart from the unwashed rabble of mankind that wake up with empty heads at all hours of the day. Touching his bow tie takes him back to the morning and the central truth of his existence.

And money will inevitably follow.

"We hate flies because they pose a puzzle, are they life or simply winged specks of grime to be batted away ? Ostensibly, they are little chunks of life spinning around aimlessly. Indeed, they are like little dirty chickens with heads chopped off going around and around. They are small, helpless and in need of our assistance which can only come by way of extinction. What is it that we can do in the midst of our present nation-wide depression ? How can we aid the grinding gears of progress in these troubled times ? On average we kill thirteen flies a year but that number can be increased. If we band together we will destroy them all which will push America forward through the darkest days of the 30's. And we will emerge from our present crisis a cleaner America."

His smile spreads the flesh of his cheeks back across the bony frame of his face.

"Ladies and Gentlemen I give you a reason to renew your faith in progress. I give you... the fly-swatter." He waves this about like a flag and a crowd of one hundred cheer with upraised arms. "I give you the means of self-employment with a single stroke for only fifty cents !!"


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